Words Unsaid... should be spoken...

Hmmm... reading through my past email messages & blogs... I realized that I've learned a lot of lessons from my relationship with my ex... I am not who I am today without all those experiences...

I can see in my email how much I loved, how someone loved and hurt me... whew! Some messages & posts made me teary-eyed, some made me say... "whew! how can she do that to me?!?", "wow! she really loved me!", etc.

Well... during those days, I know God has been taking care of me... not leaving my side... that's why I survived. :)

I loved... I ended it... but I still loved... she doesn't want anymore... she loved again... we loved... and now... we don't talk anymore... suddenly became strangers to each other...

But again, I thank God for everything... I've learned a lot... =)

This is a poem she dedicated for me... 

Subject: ! & ?
Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2004, 4:04 AM
 

THE DAY THAT YOU HATED ME

I know just how much you feel

Sense of reality makes everything so real

And to talk, that much, I can’t do

What I’ve said and done now makes me blue

Stupid. I feel so stupid about myself, and I knew

That saying sorry is not enough for someone like you

I can’t be perfect, at least I did my best

Just to make you feel I’m also like the rest

I, who did those things, I know would hit me back

Coz sometimes it’s not true that opposites attract

But if you’ll only ask if I really do care

About those feelings that we have shared

The answer is yes, but can you see it?

Sometimes I feel like you just don’t believe it

Is it because we fight and I’m wrong

And then you’ll ask of me, Hey! What’s wrong?

Again I will be feeling that sense of humiliation

Then find myself jumping over the conclusion

Now what will I do for you to forgive me?

Tell me please and try to hear me

That even though truth sure hurts sometimes

I would still be strong to flow with the rhymes

Honesty is all I ask of you

Tell me all those of it that’s true

Kill me with the truth but seal it with a kiss

And by your colded heart let me see the bliss

If I would know the day I’d die

I’ll save my breath till you won’t lie

By your freezing heart I’ll blow

The last warm breath that I can show

And ask if I have been forgiven

Whatever’s the answer I’ll be believin’

But this I really want you to remember

That one feeling I’d like to feel forever

Is that to love even the heart is aching

Just like your smile that keeps me breathing.

Well... this what boredome and being emotional can do... been checking my past email messages... and here's 1 from my ex...

------------------------- ------------------------- --------------

Date: Wednesday, September 29, 2004, 10:48 PM

Subject: Re: Thank You Baby!

Nothing. Just thought of sending you an email. Actually, i have no idea what to say. Bahala na... wait, i’ll just take my breath.. *sighs! :D

Looking back, parang di ko na mabilang kung ilang beses tayo nagtalo. Ewan ko ba.. i know you’re exhausted and i couldn’t blame you on that. I admit, there had been many times when i just want to escape as well. I dunno but you’re too good to be true. And that’s what kills me. I know what happened was a crap (for you). But it never crossed my mind. That’s why i was shocked by your immediate acceptance. And the first time we talk after that, i was a bit disorriented. Ni hindi ko alam kung tama pang mag-usap tayo.

I mean, after ng mga nangyari di ko na-imagine na magiging ok pa rin tayo. i thought i should be the one to make a move, pero naisip ko din para san pa? We’ve come to a point where we almost gave-up with each other (i quite knew that, wla ka mang sabihin). Even before, i used to tell myself "nah! come on, this wouldn’t turn out the way we want ‘em to be." But I gave US a chance bec. i love you. God knows how i tried.

Well i guess if you know you’re doing the right thing, you shouldn’t be having doubts. Maybe i’m just not yet ready for this. That’s... that.

I’m not as mature as you are. And besides i dunno until when or how far i can go.

This whole thing about Athan had nothing to do with us. Well yeah, i’d be hypocrite if i say that. It’s just a part of this whoole thing going (which can more likely to leave behind) i dunno now if it’s possible. Anyway, it’s all said and done. Para san pa nga ba tong pagsulat ko?! But maybe this is better, kasi pag kausap kita kung anu-ano lang lumalabas sa bunganga ko. And eto rin, this is much better. Para di na nagkakasakitan pa. (duh! Ganun nga ba nangyayari?!) :D ewan! Ang hirap kc eh, lagi tayong nagk-clash. But for now, sana pakinggan mo nman ako. No, I know you always do listen to me but try to listen to what i’m not saying. It’s so hard for you, i know, na bumaba sa level ko. While i’m just here not doing anything, na halos di mo kinakitaan ng effort. It’s not an excuse na sabihing ganto talaga ako, na wala akong magagawa, i just find it hard to verbalize what i feel when we talk. That’s why i know i don’t deserved you. Kulang na sa salita, kulang pa sa gawa. Ano nmang mapapala mo?

It hurts to hear you say; Sorry, eto lang kaya kong ibigay... Sorry, di ko na alam kung pano ka i-please... Wala nman akong nagawang tama syo... Para mo kong pinapatay everytime you say these. Pero again, i can never blame you. If you could only see what’s inside me.. Di ko na alam kung pano ka pa kakausapin. Nanliliit ako, and i couldn’t even say sorry in a way that i can get thru you. But i really am sorry. For everything. Sorry kung di ko naparamdam na mahalaga ka skin. Di ko madalas sabihin, or should i say di ko pa nga ata nasasabing i’m thankful sa lahat-lahat. I’ll forever be thankful. Kala mo lang di ko naa-appreciate...

Anyway, masyado namang kinarir! Heheh.. get real! :) tama na nga ang drama. O, bat napapangiti ka? Lolz.. basta, thanks for being there for me like a true friend. Ngek! ;) basta thanks thanks thanks. And I’M SORRY. I promise it won’t happen again. (sana..) para la última vez, permita que mí lo diga te quiero.

*for the last time, let me tell you I love you...

I can't believe that I'll visit this blog again... I dunno... I just felt like visiting...

I know I'm being emotional again... I checked the date and for sure my period is coming near... hehehe! Blame it on the hormones! :)

Ohwell... everyone's sleeping now and I just can't sleep... so I just surf online... watch youtube, check facebook, etc. I also checked my ex' tblog (Yes, I said ex again!) and yes! I'm talking about the same ex I was talking about years ago... lol! crazy huh?!? :) so I checked her tblog and no new posts... I guess she also stopped posting there... maybe she already has a new blog... dedicated for her girl :p I heard they're still together... which is cool 'cause they're more than a year now :D

Okay... so what am I trying to say here... hahaha! Nothing really... I just thought of visiting different sites and ended up checking sites from my past! whew! :p I still hope my ex & I can talk again someday... as good friends! who knows, right?! :) I hope she's really happy now... I saw her facebook account & wanted to send her a message and say hi... but no... I better not... I might just ruin her day or start another complicated scenario... hehehe! I'll just wait for that day... if that will still come... hmmm... :)

Oh... by the way, I still keep in touch with her sister & her friends which became my friends too... I even spoke to her mom 1 time... but we don't really talk about my ex... though I tell them to say hi to her for me, at times... :)

Well, I guess to cut this short... I just miss my ex... suddenly felt that I miss her... after surfing online... again, blame it on the hormones! hahaha!

Take care, everyone!!!

I thought this secret blog of mine is already gone... 

Anyway, just came accross this song...

If the code won't work, just Click Here to listen to the song.

I just came accross this song today... good song... great singers :)

I wonder why youtube & imeem won't work on this blog... anyway, just click the link below to hear the song :) I'll visit this site once in a while :D

Listen to Praying For You

I like this song... :)

Stay In Love, everyone....

This is a great verion of the song.

More Today Than Yesterday - The CompanY

I don't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I fell in love with you
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Every day's a new day in love with you
With each day comes a new way of loving you
Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wander
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow

Tomorrow's date means springtime's just a day away
Cupid, we don't need ya now, be on your way
I thank the lord for love like ours that grows ever stronger
And I always will be true
I know you feel the same way too

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But only half as much as tomorrow

I've met a lot of new friends since I start working in this new company last November. There's even this cute guy who considers me "special" and we've been always "together" for months now. Everyone knows what's going on between us though we try to "hide" it and act as if we're just friends. When they tease us and ask questions, we just answer them with our "inspired"  ;smile

Oh well... it's just weird lately... I know I should be happier now... I'm inspired to work everyday especially when I know we will go to work & back home together. My friends say that I'm soo into him now that I always talk about him. I dunno... I can't just express my feelings fully towards him. People say that they can see in our smiles that we're soo into each other but I know there's something wrong with me.

Maybe I just don't want to be unfair. Memories from my past were too strong. Too deep to be totally forgotten. Too special to just disappear. What's worst is that I miss my past lately. Those memories keep haunting me and I hate it. Whew! A friend even told me, it's just so hard to forget your "greatest love". Oh yeah... maybe I've met my greatest love already and it's true that you don't really end up with that person. Whatever...

I guess I just miss my old friend. I guess this is just normal. Once in a while, I miss her. I should not feel bad or guilty if I feel this way. It’s okay to miss the person you have “loved” dearly. It’s totally fine to wish for that next meeting.

You know what?! It could be this song which I heard on my way to work that made me feel this way and write this post… (I should never go to work alone, huh?!)

Click Here to hear the song > OLD FRIEND

A million times or more I thought about you
The years, the tears, the laughter, things we used to do
Our memories that warm me like a sunny day
You touched my life in such a special way

I miss the way you'd run your fingers through my hair
Those crazy nights we cuddled in your easy chair
Oh no, I won't let foolish pride turn you away
I'll take you back whatever price I pay

Old friend
It's so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back home again

Remember those romantic walks we used to take
You held my hand in such a way my knees would shake
You can't imagine just how much I've needed you
I've never loved someone as I love you

Old friend
It's so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back

Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, I'm sure this time that we're gonna win
Welcome back into my life again

Yes, I've tried to live my life without you
Knowing I had lost my closest friend
Though I fell in love from time to time
Knowing I will never find the kind of love I had when you were mine

Old friend
It's so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back

Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, I'm sure this time that we're gonna win
Welcome back into my life again
Again....